It's 4:20 am.Let's Reflect.

Is it weird that I don't know what my next-door neighour looks like. These walls are paper thin. I can hear them having sex. I can hear what kind of music they listen to. What time they wake up. When they get home. And vice versa. I think they're drunk right now. It's past 4 am and they just got home. Okay,I feel like a stalker. Back to what was on my mind...

*Flashback

June 17th 2009

He asked if she was okay.
She nodded her head reluctantly.

He said that he was sorry for how life kept kicking her ass.
She said that nothing was real unless you let it be.

So they ventured off into the nights.
But one day he woke up and realized she was gone.
She looked back and realized he was lost.

Last year I fell in love with my gay bestfriend. That was a passage I wrote in my journal. This was when I realized what a poisonous situation I was in. I know what you're thinking ...crazy woman. Trust me. I felt like a crazy person. And everyone around me was telling me how crazy we were being. But I really didn't give a fuck. It was making me happy at the time.

I really didn't see it coming. I had just moved back to the city and was ready to hit the scene with a vengeance. *Matthew had always been down to party with me in the past, but since the Block (our old party crew) had died ... it was just him and I. This was when we became close. This was when our co-dependant relationship (what he likes to call it) began I suppose.

In the beginning it was the shit. We would get absolutely hammered and party with randoms. Sometimes take them home with us. We just pushed eachother to the limit. One time I was in the middle of a class and the next thing I knew we were on our way to the Bronx in NYC. It was a beautiful disaster.

It came to the point where we both couldn't sleep without being beside eachother. Telling everyone we were engaged. Including his family. When in reality we were both so broke from drinking we could barely afford cigarettes, let alone an engagement ring. People were a little horrified. But I kind of liked that. Shocking people. It was all good though. We were partners in crime.

I had been with other guys before * Matthew. Straight guys. But I never trusted any of them enough to share my emotional side. With him, he always knew how to make me feel comfortable and loved. I trusted him. Then things started to turn bad.

Matt and I both hooked up with other people, which didn't bother me since they were only physical not emotional connections. I was totally lying to myself. For me they weren't emotional...but for him they were. His feelings toward me started to fade and he started being mean and disrespectful towards me. And I'm really ashamed to admit that I put up with it for months. My life became trying to make him happy and get the good times back. Wackest time of my life.

I went to my hometown to clear my head. I stayed there for about 2 weeks just spending time with friends and family. I was at the beach with my girl *Lourdes bitching about *Matt. I knew I needed to get even farther from him and partying. I left that night to Toronto. I showed up at my cousin *Janine's apartment at 5 in the morning with a summer's worth of clothes.I stayed there for a month. I like to refer to that part of the summer as rehab. While I was in Toronto I got away from the party scene and was getting over Matt, although we did talk on the phone regularly.

I decided to spend the remainder of the summer in my hometown. I began to start hanging alot with an old friend named *C. At first we would only go out on the party scene with friends. Then we started hanging out solo. I found myself always making sure I looked like a 10 everytime I stepped out the house, just in case I was gonna hang with him sometime that night.Which was usually the case. Eventually we started dating. We haven't been together too long (around 2 months) but no one's ever treated me like he does. I find myself telling him I love him already! I can't help it though. He makes me laugh and treats me with respect. And also...hmm. how shall I put this.He has as much "stamina" as I do. For the record, * Matt and I still share an incredible friendship. He taught me so much about myself. Now let's see where this new love will take me!

Current...
mood:neutral
song:Best I Ever Had-Drake